Into the Night

Lately, I’ve decided that I’ve had enough of pretending everything’s sunshine. It’s raining and cold outside, right now, and I’m reminded of other rainy days.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the rain. Strangely enough (especially considering I now live in one of the warmest states in the US), I also love the cold. But rain, especially, I love. Not being in it, mind you, and certainly not having to drive in it, but the sound of a steady rain beating on the roof reminds me of my childhood, and everything I loved about growing up in England.

Most Americans (being American and set in stereotypes) believe that it’s always raining in England. That’s not true. But the rain does give England its character, I think. In all the years I lived there, I think my favourite times were when it rained. I remember going to market on dreary days, when the clouds covered everything and the fog was rolling in, and taking a walk through the ruins of the local monastery, and there was a sense of total peace and magic to those times. That’s a time, and an innocence, I long to recapture, these days. So, when it rains, I sit on the patio, listening to the steady tap of rain against the wooden patio roof, watch the grey clouds roll across the heavens, and remember foggy days spent in the ruins of another time. Those memories give me a little peace, in amongst the fears and stresses of my life today, and I can almost hear the carefree laughter of a little girl I all but abandoned so long ago.

I know I’m particularly bad at blogging. I’m not very good at keeping a journal, either, so please don’t feel slighted.

I guess the truth is, I just don’t have much faith in myself. I’m afraid of my feelings, and even more afraid of my actions. This isn’t a new problem. I’ve struggled with self-worth most of my life.

My regular readers have heard me talk about sharing many traits with one of my most enduring characters, Tamia Kuan. If you strip away the outward beauty of that character (her appearance) and the physical strength and prowess (all things I’d like to have or be), the inside insecurities are a manifestation of me.

Do I trust myself? No. I’ve been known to screw up even the simplest of my own plans, before. I’ve battled with demons all my life, and I constantly fall short of the line I measure for myself. I won the battle of resisting drugs and alcohol, for fear of losing my mind completely (which, incidentally, is the only part of myself I find in any way worthwhile). But fighting the desire to take my own life (either through starving myself toward an ideal I could never reach, or by outright killing myself) is a battle I still struggle with, today.

Morbid, I know. But this is where you get to glimpse inside my life, and my head, and the truth is that it’s not always pretty. I struggle every day with the illness that’s eating my body from the inside, and the fears and doubts that close around my brain. Perhaps that’s why I so understand tormented heroes and heroines. I know what it’s like to be the punchline to everyone’s joke, to be ridiculed for things you can’t change. I know what it’s like to suffer in silence, from abuses few people comprehend. I know what it’s like to hate yourself (not just want to change something about yourself, but genuinely HATE yourself). I know what it’s like to love so deeply that you invest your soul, and how it feels when that love is ripped away. These things form my life experiences, and help to shape the kind of characters I create.

I also know how easy it would be for even one of the things I mentioned above to turn a person from a decent human being into something twisted and evil. Which is, perhaps, how I create villains who are not just evil, but human, as well.

It continues to be my prayer that, someday, I will finally believe in myself, and in the faith others seem to put in me.

Guess it’s my turn. I’m not good at these things, but I’ve been dragged in, so let’s see what I can come up with.

My name is Jack Peterson, and I’m a member of the Martian Colonial Armed Response’s Section Psi. That’s not quite the same thing as being a member of MCAR, but Psis can’t be choosy, and it’s not a bad gig, as things go.

My resolution? Hard to say. Maybe to try and accept the cards I’ve been dealt. Everyone thinks I’m a big joker, but the truth is, this whole Psi thing has me a little out of my depths, still. I mean, up until five years ago, I was a normal guy. Or as normal as a homicide detective ever is, anyway. Then my partner, Xander, went vigilante, and I ended up here at Section Psi, the product of one hell of a trip through the Tharsis Dead Zone. And I hate my life as a Psi.

So I guess, yeah, my resolution is to be more accepting of my abilities. More like my current partner, Kathrin, who makes being Psi look easy. And maybe, just maybe, I can get her to come out of that shell of hers. I’ve waited five years to make a move. I think that’s long enough.

See how I make out. Pick up a copy of ILLEGAL PURSUIT at www.triskelionpublishing.com